“Society tells us as adolescents ‘Stop touching each other because it’s going to lead to sex and you can’t control yourself,’” said Mihalko, who graduated from Brown University with an art degree but has no formal training in sex therapy. “We live in this hypocritical society where it’s all about sex but it’s not supposed to be.”

Steelow lays down some rules for his partygoers, too. A common misconception equates fetishes with sex, but Steelow explained that a fetish is all about desire, not intercourse, which is prohibited at Flesh Theater. But he admitted that his partygoers can do almost everything short of “pulling their genitals out.”

“You can be whatever you want to be here,” said Steelow, 32, who first got the idea for Flesh Theater after working at a sado-masochist (S&M) theme restaurant.

At a recent Flesh Theater fetish party, the guests said they feel safe at Steelow's party."It's good to have a place where you can relax," said a 22-year-old female student who declined to use her name. "The biggest draw is definitely the atmosphere. I enjoy watching people enjoy themselves."

There is no judging at Steelow’s parties. Some people like to be leashed, whipped or tied up. Some drip hot candle wax on each other. It’s tough love based on mixing sexual pleasure with pain.

Wolf, a “vampire daddy” who frequents the fetish scene with a whip, false fangs and metal claws on his fingers, said he likes S&M.

“There is a lot of touch,” said Wolf, a 6-foot-5 clerk at a Harlem bookstore, where his boss allows him to wear his fangs. “It’s pushing someone to what they thought was their boundary and pushing them beyond that. Some people like to be handled roughly, spanked, whipped, flogged – running a knife on the edge of their skin. It’s very intimate. It involves what I consider to be the most profound trust that two people can have.”

Trust and honesty are guiding principles of the Cuddle Party as well, said Selene Castovilla, 41, a Long Island resident, frequent party attendee and cuddle facilitator-in-training.

“The cuddle party is what it claims to be. It’s the truth,” said Castrovilla, who is married and has two children, 5 and 10. “We seem to be vulnerable because we’re so open. Why is it okay to pick up somebody in the bar but it’s not okay to cuddle somebody?”

Castrovilla said that she rarely received affection as a child, something that many psychologists say is integral to having a happy and healthy adulthood.

“Everybody needs hugs,” said Judy Kuriansky, a certified sex therapist, call-in radio talk show host and New York Daily News columnist known as Dr. Judy. “Contact comfort is a psychological concept that is the same thing we had as a child when we cuddled a teddy bear.”

NYC24 asked New Yorkers
how they connect intimately
with their significant others.

Chas Glover, 25,
Graduate Student at
Bank Street
College of Education


“I would say cuddling.
It’s more fun. There’s more of
a reward. It’s more satisfying. I’m not opposed [to
the kinky stuff].
But if there had to be a choice, one or the other, cuddling sounds more satisfying."

Melissa B. 26,
Instructor of Arts and Humanities at
Columbia University


“I guess I’d go with cuddling.
I don’t know.
I’m not into kinky stuff.
It’s weird. It’s not really
interesting to me.
I don know if I’d go
to a party of either kind.
I prefer cuddling."